Potentiality

Every time! Every time I press in! I understand now! When I press in to You, I am challenged by the shadow of who I am meant to be. If only I'd pushed in a little farther - then I could walk in these urges. They exist as possibilities - choice yet unmade that I know should be made, and yet I do not have the strength to make them.

Come closer! I want to push in! I want to stay close to You, no matter how frustrating, until I finally start to get this stuff. When I reach that point, I know everything will change. I have the stamina, I have the character, and I have the support. I know I can stay there if I commit.

Tonight, I am committing. I am committing an extraordinary amount of time to You. I'm not doing it for what I will get, or who I will be. I'm doing it because there is a great burden on my heart to know You more. There is a burden that moves me to tears because I am so ignorant of You. Teach me, talk with me, be my friend and be my Lord!

Losing Myself

I feel like I'm losing myself again. I'm giving up everything that ever mattered, and I'm not even sure if it's enough. I would be losing my humanity - but the pain I feel is far too human. I would be losing my mind - but again, my feelings ring too true. Instead I am losing my identity, slowly but surely. Who will I be at the end of this?

I am forced to choose between people and things I love, and the course I've committed to. It's a choice that leaves me with tears. What kind of a future awaits someone who has estranged himself from nearly everything? I'm not doing this to feel somehow holy - I would not ask myself to do such things if that were the case. I'm doing this because something inside me knows it's right.

How can the right thing involve hurting people I love? What will it bring me? Someone, please, tell me that I've made teh right choice. Tell me that for every pain I feel now, there will be a redemption. Tell me my choices are worth it. Tell me that and no more!

I have no desire to see the future - I've seen too much of it. I only want to hear His voice. I live to hang on His words. Yet it seems like He talks to everyone but me. Why? How do I come closer? What is it that I'm lacking?

I'm a small boat lost at sea - tossed around by monstrous waves and hemmed in by a brooding, cloudy barrier. The stars barely shine through it - their weak light barely encouragement to keep on. Lift me from the waves! I didn't come all this way to merely learn, to feel self-righteous, to feel important, or to satisfy my conscience. I chose a road few have the nerve to because I want something extraordinary from You. I want to see Your face. Don't leave me here in the darkness, please...

What do I do

What do I do with success? As much as I love it, I'm aware I was not the cause of the success. I want this more - changing lives is what I burn for. I want to faithfully deliver the word that will break the thing that is holding us back. This is clearly going to require some huge commitments in terms of time spent in prayer and fellowship.

It's strange that now I have to aim for removing even more of my own downtime just so I can be spiritually prepared for what I need to be doing. It's emotionally exhausting to do this - but emotionally freeing too. I'm wondering at this point what I'll feel like tomorrow, coming down from the excitement of the day.

I want to stay in this place. I want the atmosphere of my personal life to be changed forever.

Pain in the offering

Why is it that these things are revealed to me? Why must you continually cut me away from the others? Why do I have to hide my face when they talk so excitedly about the future? It pains me to tears that I cannot share my joy yet. My heart is in sorrow because sharing my dream is years away.

Dreams that seem so small, dreams that seem impossible, dreams we never knew we dreamt. What happens if it is revealed? Are we doomed to be forever frustrated by things we know and are not yet? I will be forever driven towards a goal many times larger than life seems it could hold.

Is this what it is to be a visionary? Or is this merely what it is to see the Kingdom advancing? Is there even much difference?

Why does my heart never tire of these dreams? It seems every time I near the completion of one, you give me another helping. There are no breaks, there is no time to stand still. It seems odd that I do not tire of moving forward.

At the same time, I know that I could not stop even if I wanted to. To stop would be to deny every gift you've given me. It would be denying my own life. I would lose myself if I did not follow you relentlessly.

Here come the tears again. The isolation, too. The words are tied up in my throat. What would you do, if you were confronted with a dream that fulfilled everything in you, beyond all expectations, and yet you had to bottle the dream up and simply keep working?

Well, some will know. That won't stop the tears. I don't really know why the tears come. Are they joy? Are they pain? Are they something else entirely? All I know is that they fuel the fire inside me, rather than extinguishing it.

Can I say that I am burning? It hurts, but I'm being remade again, even after I thought some things had been made right. I want to go forward, but it seems I'm my own worst enemy.

Sometimes, I wish that I could have someone silently cheering for me. Then I think again, and I know that's not what I'm looking for right now. I know because I've been there, and I know the emptiness. What I'm looking for is something that is not of this world. It is so entirely other that I cannot even conceive of it unless I find it. That is why I keep searching so relentlessly...

Headspace

Struggle, turmoil, upheaval. Take it, love it, eat it. Grind away, day after day. Slowly burning out like a nearly spent candle.

Forget it - it cannot be done, unless you forget it. We can plant ourselves in the right soil, feed ourselves the right nourishment... but we are not in control of our growth. Only our lack of growth.

False humility - the pride of the pharisees - finds its way into hearts that don't forget. It is careful not to reveal itself - it insinuates into conversation. Criticism is how you shall know it. The right to judge, the right to speak, the right to condemn - even if it is not a person.

Opinion - be hesitant to deal in it. Be wary that you do not respect your own above another's. Informed, uninformed, they all have an equal basis in ignorance. Rejection is how we say we are too proud to listen. Overpowering with arguments is not necessary. Talk of experience, or nothing. It's no good to lie to yourself, and you cannot lie to God.

Let me deal once more as the broken - unfit to judge or condemn. Let me be simply a vessel - your mouth and your hands. I want nothing more right now than to be free of my own condemnation. It is a curse that stops me from moving forward, and an evil that feeds on my exhaustion. Now I'm going to do something about it. Now I'm going to tell someone.