Break Me

I'm sick of being stranded here! Pick me up and carry me away! If I wanted mere life I would never have taken your offer! I am a warrior, all flame and fury. I am a man for this time, this generation! I want to be unlocked, I want your power to flow through me. I want the war, I want the conflict. Bring me everything and when I break down I will be entirely yours!

What the world cannot bear, I will face to approach your glory. What the world cannot accept, I cannot ignore. Let my life glorify you! Give me new meaning, new purpose, new goals. Give me knowledge, give me courage and give me the words to speak. Rest at the front of my mind every day - let me meditate on you and bring your wisdom to conversations!

Deliver me or break me - but don't let me stay the same. Give me the strangth to face my weakness, and the wisdom to avoid temptation. Give me the vision to continue focusing on you, and the guidance to become more like you. Teach me so that I can learn your heart, and clean my heart so I can have one like yours.

I am in a world of death - let me release life! Show me the people who will listen, give me the seeds to plant. I'm a coward and a fool, but my heart's desire is to be your herald. Put words in my mouth, let me fight on the frontline. Protect me from myself, but let me press on to take ground.

I am a fool to ask this, but I know it is the boldness of fools that is answered. Fall on me now and give me the promise I'm waiting for!

Soul Hurt

Why is it happening again? It happens almost every week! What is so different between us? A year ago we were the same; we started the same race together. We both received the promise, and we're both running the race. Why is she standing on the prize? What went wrong? I am stuck at the back; unseen, unheard. I do my job with excellence, but there is no fulfillment. I am not challenged, I do not grow, there is no room to move forward.

What do you want of me? We were both given that promise, so why am I the one left behind? I labour every week, I fight hordes and feel the arrows of darkness fly thick around me. My spirit is scarred from a thousand battles - I bear the marks of a true warrior and servant. Still I fight, alone and isolated, throwing all I have just to move forwards. I fall and am crushed, left to pick myself up alone. It has always been the way - there is no room for others, they cannot be depended on. They leave in my times of need, they are absent from those times I fall dead from the sky as a thousand black arrows pierce me.

You are the constant, you are my healer, you are my armour and sword. I am told that you are enough, and in the same breath that I need others. What do I believe? Where does a knight whose battles are fought in secret find his welcome? I stand here with nothing. Everything I had has been lost for you. Everything I am has been consumed by you. I cry out and starve myself of all else, and still you remain silent whil the enemy rips me to pieces. Where is my justice? Where is my deliverer? If I could do more, I would have done it, but I stand at the edge of human endurance daily simply to see you glorified.

And now you seed in me visions for things which eclipse my own ability! How can I run with a torch I cannot even carry? What do you want from me? If I can't even be up there, why are you asking me to do this? Will this be another thankless job? Will this be another weekly grind knowing that it will never be recognised? I don't ask for praise - even thanks is too much. All I need is encouragement a little - to know I walk the path straight and true. But even that is robbed of me, and I walk alone once again to face the impossible onslaught.

What I would give for victory. What I would give to see Christ praised in the streets. What I would give to see all humanity wake up to our divine calling and soar toward a world we could only imagine. Give me the power to do this, or kill me now. I cannot live in the horror of seeing my life purpose stay unfulfilled. The pain is too much - I am ripped open every week as I see myself falling short of your promise. Don't let me stay in this place of unending torment!

Love's Foundation

From time spent with someone, familiarity is gained. From familiarity, knowledge and love grows. If we do not spend time together, then how can we say we are connected? I am guilty of living for a time in this delusion. Not because I did not value it, or because I substituted anything for it, but because for love's namesake I worked so hard that I forgot the object of my love. I think many men have fallen victim here, and have gone on in life serving an empty shell that warps slowly away from their first love.

Tonight I will stop this. I will return to my first love, and spend time simply learning. Tonight, I will put down the gifts I have been given, and be still. I cannot live with my core motivation out of touch with the core motivator, so I will stop even the good and great things in my life, because I have found something more important. This is a pearl of great value, and I will sell everything I am just to touch it.

Today it stops. Goodnight.

Get Outta My Head!

I've drawn my sword, put on my helm, strapped on my shield, and fitted my breastplate. I roar at the enemy, I pace and call on the power of Heaven. No matter, it is too late. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed again. Once again, I was trapped in a dead end - there were none to carry me. It is my weakness, but one I cannot help. How do I fight when my comrades can disappear so completely and quickly?

Where were you when I was in that place Lord? Did you watch as my sinful nature overwhelmed what I have worked so hard to build for you? Did you turn away even as everything in me cried out for release from the bondage of sin? What must I do to overcome this nature? I would rather you rip it from me, and leave me wounded and limping, than watch from the inside with horror at what I am capable of.

But you will not tear it from me, even if I ask it. You want me to choose against it every moment of every day - though it drives me to madness. From my laziness springs all manner of horrors that should never exist! How can I live a righteous man with this sin pelting down on me? Let your cleansing fire pierce me again and again, burning away the evil, but do not let it return. I have set my heart on something you love, and for the sake of love I lay down my life for you to use. Why do you let this life fall when it could be so much more?

I will start again tomorrow; I shall build our friendship again. I pray that this time the walls will stand. I pray that I will not be separated again. I pray that you would intensify my desire for righteousness, love, justice, and wholeness. Do not let me sink into the darkness where I will never be your herald. I consider that a fate worse than death...

Just Wanna Cry

I get like this every so often - I think almost weekly but I don't keep count. Sometimes I think it's because I hit the end, run out of energy, need to lie down and recuperate. That's a small part of it, but tiredness doesn't normally do this to me. My faith is there, I'm comfortable in the future set out before me... but I feel like it will never arrive. I feel that I am working so hard, for so long, but nothing has actually changed. I know this is a lie.

Many people talk about carrying their cross to follow Jesus, but I realised something new tonight: what is it to carry your cross, without the sacrifice of those nails? Alone, the cross is just a weight to carry, and it becomes laborious. When we choose to sacrifice, when we choose the path that may be painful for God's sake, then God is glorified and great things happen. It is for this that I hope and pray.

Honestly I wish there was any other way right now - I am sick and tired of crushing my own desires in order to walk with God. I'm sick and tired of working flat out every day, spending myself, with no change in my position. I do not want to see ministries with the power to change the world in the hands of men who do not dare dream. It tears at something deep inside of me to see a ministry I participate in become less that it should be, and yet I am powerless.

I'm fed up with shooting for goals way beyond my ability. I'm disappointed in myself for being less than who I want to be, even though I do not know who that is. I'm upset because I see someone beautiful, so fiery for God, and I know that though I'm gaining ground, my own Christian walk is far behind.

What can I do if I'm so far behind? I refuse to settle for second best, I refuse to lower my expectations for my own future, but in doing so I drive those nails of sacrifice deeper. Why can't the hard way be easy just once? Why can't I have one vanity in an upside down world where nothing's solid? This has been my one request for years; how long must I seek your face before this request is granted Lord?

Give me the strength to go on, because right now I just want to collapse and cry. I can't fulfill my dreams alone, I am not an island. I can barely face the awesome onslaught of your presence, let alone the attack that follows. I chase but the harder I run, the weaker I become. Give me strength to go on, give me trust in your love, let me see your face and find the wish of my heart.

Then I will be complete, a man able to move the world in Your power.