They Think

They think me arrogant because some things are obvious to me. They think me arrogant because things happen through me. They think me arrogant because I cannot communicate respectfully.

Maybe I do need to change. Undoubtedly I do need to change. I live an existence of painful incompleteness. I live struggling every day to care for myself in the basic necessities. I seem to have missed out on some very basic survival urges. Does that make me better than anyone else? Instead I try to learn as much as I can from them, so that I can try to be a little less broken.

I do not know that God would work through me if I was less broken. It's my insufficiency that keeps me waiting on Him. If they understood the pain of willing sacrifice, and the pain of being unable to work normally... maybe then I'd be taken seriously. As it is, many laugh at both the things I choose to sacrifice and my inability to function.

I know very well what authority I bear. Maybe if they did too, they'd be able to move mountains. I think that I'm just weak enough to be able to....

Warrior Released

I saw the warrior bound by that beast, thrashing and roaring challenges to the darkness. And then the darkness shifted, light bloomed, and the hold weakened. The warrior gathered himself, and broke free in one mighty lunge. He drew a massive sword, covered in white flames and swung it. The name written on his sword is "Energes".

Something has shifted. Something is gone. I do not know what it is, but I am free indeed. Now I know I must fight for my freedom.

There's gotta be something more....

It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing. What defines me is not what I do, but what I rise to. I'm not going to accept simply subsisting. That's what makes me.

So no matter how hard it is, I have to take a step above simply being at Bible College. I have to raise the bar one more notch. It's not enough for me to be there and learning, I have to aim for something more. If I don't, I think I'll crumble. I'm just built to go the extra distance.

I know I can do this. I know the requirements for someone like me are savage. The cost for me to simply subsist has been nearly everything. The cost for me to rise to a challenge that no one else knows or expects, will be everything I have in me.

I could say I'm not doing it in my own strength, and I would be absolutely right. What that description does not tell, is that every action demands an application of willpower from me or I cannot do it. Right now I am purposing to do this. I am purposing to change my life from acceptable to better. I am deciding that my life will be lived at another level now.

Now I will write down my intentions, and in writing them down I will freeze them into this time and space, into this world. They will then exist - not just thoughts but actions taking shape.

Write it down. Make it a schedule. Let your dreams dictate your future. If you don't write it down, your doubts and fears will swallow it.

One More Maybe

I'll let myself dream one more time. Dreams are important but we must have maturity to dream. Immaturity ends in doubt and insecurity, but maturity lends strength and surety. I want something that seems unlikely if not downright impossible. I really don't even know why I want it. It just seems somehow natural. It flies in the face of all sense. It is strategically stupid. It is a nightmare waiting to happen. What am I thinking?

I know all these things, and still I can't help this. I wish I knew what to do. I can lose this dream, I know it won't shake me. It might not be great, but I know the strength I live in. I'm not afraid to lose, but why am I so afraid to win? How do I even win?

Sometimes I hate what I've been made. I hate being incomplete. I'm missing a large part of what makes a person whole simply because it was never taught to me. I love what I am, but the places I lack are still open wounds for me. Now all I want is to close those wounds... and I have no idea how to.