what lights me up

Over the past few weeks, I've been discovering more and more that I'm just set on fire when I help/prayfor/offer advice to people. It's amazing - I can be feeling so down, someone will start telling me about a problem and BOOM, I can just feel God washing everything away and pushing me to tell them stuff. It's crazy, and it's not like I'm having issues... just normal everyday life is enough to wear a person down.

It seems like the times God really fills me up are the times when I'm racing to do His will. Not just in a desire sense, but in a practical sense. I guess what really lights up that passion within me is helping other people discover the freedom and healing that God's given me. It has to be just an overflow of the joy and thankfulness in my heart - I want everyone to know what God has done for me, but more than that, I want people to experience it for themselves.

I've already encountered the boundaries of my comfort zone here, and I'm really praying that I can overcome it. I was quite literally hit witht he fear of God the other day, after praying about some stuff... simply because of what I knew next. It was a giddy terror - a glimpse of power so far beyond comprehension that I was almost paralyzed in fear and wonder. Even now, all I want to do is sit in God's presence.

does God cry?

I wonder if Jesus cries when I let Him down? I wonder if He sheds a tear, as I sit here broken, thinking of what I've done. Every time I think I'm starting to get somewhere, I fall flat on my face. I don't just need God's help, I need His presence now. I cannot live without it, but I can't always find Him when I feel I need him, and it's really hitting me hard.

Predestined

No matter how much I do other things, no matter how busy I am or what I'm doing, I am drawn to computer programming. There is something beautiful in the algorithms, in the code. It's more than that though; I get a sense of deep satisfaction from coding. A sense that this is where I'm meant to be.

I cannot escape the feelings, and the desire is always there in the back of my head. It has always been there, for as ling as I know. As far as I can remember, I was programming since halfway through primary school. It's a fascination with the creation of worlds, with the solving of problems and the discovery of beauty in systems.

It's strange that I have this strong desire - I know others like me, drawn to the code, but there's nothing else like it in all the world. People do not have a yawning chasm of desire for office work, or for maths (although exercising the brain can be enjoyable), or for construction work. These things may be enjoyable to people, but given free time and money, would these people still pursue their jobs?

It's not that I love the code (although I do), it's simply that I cannot help but code. There is nothing I can do to satisfy the restlessness within me but code. There isn't much on this Earth so satisfying to me as merely coding. Accomplishment does not hold anywhere near so much joy as doing the work, seeing the world I'm building take shape and form.

Not many people have this incredible mindset, and sometimes I wonder whether we are set apart in this world. We have become the gatekeepers to the cyber realms. At the age of 11, I already knew I wanted to spend my life programming. Other kids still liked playing in the sandpit. I can only conclude that I was born with these skills - programming and the skills that come with it areinstinctive to me.

That makes me.... destined to code?

The darkness within.

No matter what I tried, the river of darkness rose around me again. I began to wonder why it seemed to attack only me. As I grimaced at teh fresh attack, He leaned over and whispered, "The darkness you fight is your own. This stands between you and others. I have conquered it and I will help you. It took me 40 days, but if you are committed it can me 2."

I broke down and cried, even as the animalistic rage boiled up within me. Truth has a strange effect on people, but it is always recognised as truth.

And the strange thing about that river...

is that it's all in my head! Torment cannot touch insanity, and insanity is not phased by the enormity of the problems. Therefore, insanity is superior to sanity. Never take the world too seriously or you'll miss the joke. Let the joy bubble over and let love cover all.

River of Darkness

I stand chest deep in a river of darkness. I can feel the torments ripping at my soul. The torrents cut at me day and night, trying to overwhelm me. My strength could never be enough.

Behind me is a shore, lined with people too scared to take the plunge. They walked with heads bowed, and huge burdens on their shoulders. I stand tall and proud, even through the pain. I call to them, but they cannot hear and they cannot see. Their burdens hide the truth from them.

I walk on, each step a stumble and each moment an agony. I am propelled by a will and a desire, because I have seen what is on the far side of this dark river. I would give anything to collapse and let the currents wash me away, but He holds my hand and supports my weight.

I do not know how far across the river I am, or if the other side is reachable, but I trudge on. He is the only thing that keeps me pressing on, so I must rely on Him to take me there. For my part, I cannot step down or cower as the people behind me do. Their existence is a mere shadow of life, and I can no longer bear that world of oppression.

The fear to press on is great, almost rooting me to the spot. My movement has become slow, but the will driving me on grows stronger. I long to get to the other side, to find the place that He promised me.

The power of sloth

Progress is addictive. So is apathy. Unfortunately, it's much easier to stop doing things than to start again. You can't live stopping and starting, it's just not possible. Busy people know this, that's why they're always busy. You should view the desire to relax and do nothing as an attack on your progress.

A man does not lose sight of the goal unless something blocks his vision. Do not give in to laziness, choose to do something rather than nothing. Fill your day, if you need to relax then go and meet a friend socially. Lying around watching tv will sap the resolve. Reading books is much healthier.

Above all: be active! People who give in to apathy will never achieve, will never be happy and will never be successful in any area of their lives.

God is important here, because we run out of resolve to march on all the time. It is possible, if you draw near to God, to draw strength to go on from Him also. This is addictive, and encourages a dependance on His strength - but that's the beauty of it. You gain an almost superhuman drive and ability for workloads, and you need no one and nothing to stand on. Alcohol, drugs, acceptance, achievement all pale in comparison to to unending reservoir of strenght that God provides.

I woke up one day and had obviously let myself slide in my spiritual life. I went to draw fresh strength, and there was nothing there. I can only compare the feeling to leaning on something, only to find out to your horror and surprise that it is not there. That feeling of flailing helplessly and almost falling over was very disconcerting, but it hilights the truth: without God, we cannot do this.

Drawing strength is easy, all you have to do is pray and act. Ask God for what you want, and then walk in faith that you will receive it. Many people miss the second part, and they say "I prayed for strength but I got nothing". This is how I survive workloads that at times seem ridiculous, and stay positive and happy throughout. It works, but you must know God personally and be able to draw near to Him, otherwise you cannot reach out for His strength.

pain all around

I look around me and all I see is pain. People hurting, people not forgiving. How can I show them God's joy? I wish I could just hold them and let the joy overflow from my heart, fill them to the brim. Even that is pointless. Even filled with a joy like that, it will run out. You can exhaust God's joy, and if you don't know how to refill it then it will stay exhausted.

I tell them to pray, I tell them God has great plans. That doesn't do justice to the driving purpose and constant, deep satisfaciton in my life. Prayer is the key, and I'm not sure many people know how to really pray. When I pray, it takes a big chunk out of my day (getting up early to do this is best, I've found, and most people agree). It's also worth it. If I'm really struggling, it's not uncommon for me to spend more than an hour in prayer at a time... and to take half a day of wrestling with my problems to get God's peace back.

I can only give so much experience, I can only say so much. God needs to transform their lives... I'd love to be a part of that but as much as I strain and pray for it, it seems I'm limited to the sidelines. I'm supporting them, but not catalysing growth. Maybe it's for the best, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to help these people. Maybe I don't like seeing emotional pain because it's so crippling. It can prevent a person from living a life of joy and power much more than physical disabilities.

Maybe I don't like seeing emotional pain because I struggled with it so much, and it was the one thing that never diminished or got easier as I grew up. God only can heal these people, and I wish that He would. I pray that He would. God healed me, and people see that I live this life without pain but full of passion. They notice a difference, secretly I think they desire that difference in their own lives... but the gift is God's to give.

Maybe that's it, maybe I should tell them to seek Him. Sounds good, but it's so hollow if you don't know God in a personal way first. Is there some catalysing statement I can make? Does everyone have a trigger buried deep within them that will "turn God on" in their lives?

Maybe we're all just running on God's inscrutable timetable, for reasons known only to Him. Maybe as much as I pray and desire to help, only God can really change peoples' lives. Maybe I'm here simply as a light to those who follow, to show them there is a road ahead, even in the darkness.

I cannot believe my place is limited to the sidelines, however. I see too many people suffering needlessly. Their suffering is there only as a limiting factor in their lives. Removing it would do so much more! The crazy thing is, even people within the church suffer from this so much. We should be showing the way - doesn't God want to fix His people?

In my own life, this healing has turned the faltering faith and passion in my heart to a roaring fire that threatens to consume me at times. I can live like this all the time, not just on Sundays! Imagine if everyone was given this much grace! So for now I pray, study the Bible, and strain to hear God. He must have an answer for me here.

huh?

A huge stone square, with a sussuration of voices orbiting it. The voices almost have form, like characters from an ancient text. I can't tell if they're talking in english or not, they're too low for me to understand. If I try hard, I catch pieces of what they are saying... but the meaning seems to slip through my fingers. Behind this all a louder, deeper voice rumbles and I cannot understand it at all, but I get the feeling it is talking to me and that I *should* understand it.

What the heck is that about??? And why does it pop into my head when I start praying?

when in love

it's funny, I remember telling a girl about my feelings towards her as being this long, torturous eternity of silence. I remember needing a near impossible courage to say anything. Why is it suddenly so easy? Why does the obsession no longer rule my life?

Is it possible that along with my lack of fear for almost everything else, I've found real love? Could it be that the ease and carefree nature of my feelings points to a comfort much greater than that found in previous relationships? I can only hope so... the alternatives really don't bear thinking about/

where it went wrong

I don't know where it all went wrong. Maybe I was seduced by the power I briefly experienced. Maybe I was deluded into thinking it was mine. I never admitted it, but I still put myself above others. My happiness and achievement was highr than theirs. Just because God favoured me for a little while, that made me better.

Is this how it's always going to be? Can my heart be changed? I want to do this for God, and out of a servant attitude. All I feel is a smug self satisfaction that I have it right now. I want to sacrifice my life for God. I want to take up the cross because after all, happiness is empty without due cause.

I want my life to be something special that shines out. Maybe along the way I started wanting the recognition that goes with this. I want my life to be filled with God's power and glory, not my own. How do I escape the temptation, and develop a humble heart that is open to God's purposes in my life?

Lord forgive me, and change my heart so I can serve you more. I don't care what it takes; living life without serving you is my worst fear.