Fasting

I blinked and stirred out of my sleepless night. It was 5 in the morning and I was still curled up, feeling sick in the stomach and almost wretching. I buried my head in the pillow and cried out to God. I already knew I wouldn't eat today. I had to have answers, and only He knew them.

Fasting isn't about suffering, or even sacrifice particularly. It's about choosing, willfully, to put seeking God above absolutely everything in your life for a time. It's about connecting to God in spite of every discomfort and desire to do other things. It's not about self-harm, or self-denial on an extended basis. I'm quite sure that even 3 hours of true fasting can bring extraordinary results.

I started praying, that morning for a report of rain. I wanted a messenger to bring the good news to my parched soul. The sky was blue and the day was already hot by 9. I prayed and prayed for a report of rain. The heat made me feel even sicker. It was almost unnatural for that time of the morning. My mouth was constantly dry, no matter how much I drank.

At midday, clouds appeared. Rain fell. The coolness was a relief to my body, I smiled.

From that point, something changed. My head cleared, even though it still had a dull ache. I could pray clearly, not the prayers of the desperate but those of a man talking to God. In that place of solitude, there was sanctuary. The silence became loud, and the small voice of God became a mighty crowd roaring.

The enemy is not allowed in when we enter a holy place. His shouts faded to a whisper. I knew they were there, but they were completely powerless and too weak to pay attention to. God's voice drowned it all out with a clarity and precision. It was a soothing drink for my soul. It was a physical relief for my body too.

At 5, He told me, "Rise and eat." - He will not have his servants weakened or in pain without need. Being the fool that I am, I said no. I said I would rather have faith. I don't even know why that came into my mind. He smiled, and said, "Very well, do not rise and you will receive faith." I do not know much of what faith is, or how you receive it, or where it goes when you get it. I just know I was being filled. Then tested. I don't know what kind of faith it was, but I certainly don't feel any different.

Then I rose and ate. I think I will have to do this again; I rather enjoy His company.

The Kingdom

We are the broken, whose hope has been stolen. We are the ones who should cry, "Why me?" We are those whose dreams are dust, who wander this earth as restless aliens.

What do we seek? Where to we find rest? We are the citizens of the Kingdom at hand. It is within reach, but not here in fullness. We seek the Kingdom. First. Above all things.

From the Kingdom pours the promises and power to transform this world. Seek it. Find it. Hold onto it for dear life. As long as you have the Kingdom in your heart, you can walk through anything. You can do anything.

Now we, the lost ones found, prepare to fight. We wage war against a cowardly enemy, who speaks lies into the ears of men and deceives them. Subtle lies that rob them of their real future. Lies that are masked by truth. Fear and false humility: these are his weapons.

Expose them in the radiant light of the Kingdom, and they wither. Seek first the Kingdom. All things flow from the Kingdom. In your darkest place, seek first the Kingdom.

Heart

A wise man once said, "We are what we constantly do."

I think he may be wrong. I hold that we are what we value in our hearts, and out of that place we will do - cannot help but do. If I defined myself by my actions, I would be subscribing to a philosophy that all personal change comes from changes of external rules: if I decide not to eat meat, I become a vegetarian. If I still make mistakes and do the wrong things, simply because I am human, I am still a sinner, and a condemned man.

I prefer to think that change starts in the heart. Understanding and desire cause us to make and change rules for our own lives. This leads to changes in behaviour driven by that which has meaning to us. Meaningless rules do nothing but create rebellion for men and have no value to God. If my heart is to follow Christ's example because His sacrifice means something to me, then even if I make mistakes and mess up, I am not a condemned sinner but a redeemed man. This is how we should understand the framework for the Christian life.

I heard it said, "In all His creation, God's children are His greatest glory."

Think about this. What does it mean for our hearts? Imagine a heart that beats in God's glory. Will that heart be denied its true desires? Will the Maker deny the purpose of what He has made? Is life and growth simply our dreams being slowly untangled from our complicated misunderstanding of ourselves? If my heart is to see His words catch hearts up like wildfire, why am I shocked to see it happen. Why am I shocked that the fire is wild and beyond control or understanding?

Maybe, I am shocked because I did not understand my heart. It's a strange thing, to learn about yourself by the nature of the tasks God sets for you. Like having been given clothes at birth, that years later fit you as if tailor made just for you at that moment....

Pierce My Hands

Pierce my hands and feet; teach me what you went through. Hold me up for all to see, bare and human and stuffering. Give me your heart, that in your incredible pain you could be so overwhelmed with love. You hung there for my sins, and even as you did, you were reaching out to the people around you. Teach me a love so overwhelming that I will go to those lengths. Let me understand a love that flows unconditionally, and let me grasp the depth of this beautiful love.

When you said, "Father, forgive them," what were you thinking? When you turned to the man hanging next to you, what were you thinking? I long for a heart that understands these things. Renew my heart! Pierce my heart!

And as you were, raise me afresh. Raise me in life, clothe me with power, and send me out! Let my hands bear the marks of your work. Let my hands do your word. Raise me as you were, that I might set captives free!

Bring me to yourself, that I might see your heart. Your might set the stars in place; your glory makes the stars sing; your great love causes them to shine. Teach me a heart that would make Adam with a choice, knowing in advance the pain it would bring. Teach me a heart that saw and loved me from the beginning of the wold until now, and endured every pain to take joy in being my father!

I can't love like that by myself. It's not possible. Teach me, so that I can proclaim the glory of this mysterious love!