What's in January?

This is killing me. I want to scream and cry and hurt myself. Why am I waiting for January? What is it in January that I've been promised? Why am I suffering like this? What rainbow lies at the end of this storm?

I don't even want to guess. If I guess, I put up expectations. What if I expect too much? What if I pin my hopes on something entirely different? Still, I hope it breaks this prison of loneliness. I sit here daily, trapped and alone. God is my comfort, but comfort does not stop the pain.

I don't know what I've been promised, but it's strange how binding a promise is. All I want, deep down, is the ability to fly again. I want to be more complete, and more able to follow God daily. I will endure this pain then, until I am freed.

The strange thing about emotional pain is that you cannot build a barrier and cut yourself off from it. You can with physical pain, quite easily. Emotional pain always hurts just as bad. The only way to handle it is to grin and bear it. I can't win, I can only retreat to God and pray for the strength to bear it all.

Just until January... that's all He wants...

Siren song

The siren song of the world pulls us into a life of emptiness. No matter how many times I try to rip myself away and leave it behind, it gradually pulls me back. It can start as a rebellious thought, it can start as a valid concern. Slowly, it takes hold and begins to affect me. I think differently, act differently; it's like I'm a different person.

Is there an answer to these problems? For a long time I thought the answer was to find someone who could support me and stand with me. Now I think I'm beginning to see the truth. I gotta share it! I gotta talk about God stuff with other people! The only way I'm going to defeat a daily struggle is with daily encouragement. I'm not talking about accountability, as many people put it. I'm talking about simply sharing in a celebration of what God's teaching us. Sharing life, but sharing the part of life that matters most - our walk with God!

With this weapon, can I hold myself above the worries and traps of this world? The next few months will tell. It's strange how God reveals the desires of our hearts so clearly. Quite a few times recently, I've realised there's a difference between what I think I need, and what I really need.

Still, the one thing that's stuck immovably from the back of my head is a desire to find someone to live life with. It remains a shadow in the back of my mind, a promise without a face. It's not a motivation for my existence, it's an unfortunate itch. I'd give a lot to be rid of it, but I'm glad it's there. It remains a promise that I won't always have to face life alone. It's a promise that one day someone beyond anything I can imagine will walk into my life. Most of all, it represents an awesome future in a life I've given all to God.

This promise is another weapon I can use to shield myself from the world. If I can gain this victory over the world, it will be another step closer to God's presence - another obstacle removed. I have to be careful though, I've seen the destruction that follows those who make the promise their goal. God's presence and God's service are my goals, and everything else pales in comparison.

It's strange, the way I know how ugly the world is, and yet its siren song pulls me back. I need to defeat it totally, if I am ever going to get where I need to go. I need to use everything God has given me, and after I've done that still stand in faith. This might be the hardest thing I've ever done. I need to do it.

The world I want

Why are churches today so disjoint? Why are there cliques? Why is it that there can be a church 100 meters down the road from mine, yet I know nothing of it or the people who go there? I'm guilty of it, but I don't want to be any more!

We're all brothers and sisters in Christ. I've only recently come to an understanding of what that actually means. It means that regardless of which church I go to, if I meet another Christian we should have EVERYTHING in common. We are automatically free to talk about and understand the most important things in each others' lives! I can talk to a total stranger, but that stranger will understand and relate!

What is the requirement for this kind of interaction? Make God the most important thing in your life! Don't be afraid to discuss the experience! Be open about your faith! Get excited, because if you are excited then the source of your excitement will come bubbling out! The great thing about being excited for God is it's contagious - if you're always excited then the people around you will get excited too!

Unfortunately, many in the church seem to think that the latest movie, or some tv show, or a social event is more important than God. Instead of having everything in common, these things often get in the way and gather people together into bounded social groups.

Taking the first step, going out there and asking people how they're going with God, is hard. Living a life with God that you can confidently open up about is doubly hard. I believe the results will be well worth it.

But they're your people!

Lord, you know the problem - you see it too. People who love you, but are distant from you. People who have the power to change things, but they sit in church and say, "What if we had a passion like David? Wouldn't that be something!" Why imagine, why fantasize? I say, "Let me have a passion like David! Let me be a man after your heart!"

How do I tell them? How do I lead them to this revelation? Do I have the power, alone, to brooch this? I need guidance! I love you deeply, my heart is on fire for you and I guard and tend to that blaze with my life. But I don't know what to do. I'm torn, seeing people wishing for what you want to give them! How can I help? Use me as a messenger! Give me the words, give me the desperate motivation to empower these people!

Seeing people wishing for something that God wants everyone to have breaks my heart. How can such wishing be justified? People need to realise that they can grow, where they are is not the endpoint or even a part of their journey. Most get left at the starting line. My heart cries out against this... what can I do to free their minds?

the magic in life

So I went and saw Harry Potter tonight. A lot of people I know don't like it... they have some preconceived notion that it is anti-Christian. Well, I'm always one to indulge in a little fantasy when I need to escape the pressures of the world. Here's what I think: the reason people love these books/movies is because we're all born looking for magic.

Whether we find it in movies, tv, books, or strange asian meditation... we're looking for magic. The magic in my life comes from God. I caught myself wondering in the movie, "Wouldn't it be great if I could live in a world like that." Then I remembered where I was and I thought, "Wow... this is just a pale piece of fiction compared to the awesome reality I'm living."

So now to me, this movie will always represent the awesome wonder of God's glory. It will remind me of the magic in my own life, and unlike so many romance movies that leave me acheing for someone special of my own... this movie will leave me yearning for God.

Maybe what I see is tinted by what is in my heart, but I like it that way. I'd rather see God everywhere than pain everywhere, it's so much cooler.

looking up, looking down

It's funny how perceptions change as we grow. When we are looking up to someone more mature than us, we admire them. We want that strength, and that level of confidence. We may even misplace our feelings and think we love them. It's a false love, an emotion built around an illusion of perfection.

But looking back at someone, knowing what they're going to have to face, things are very different. I feel a brotherly love, a burning desire to help them grow. But there's something ordinary about it... and something exciting too I guess. It's interesting, especially if it's someone I'd previously looked up to. Before I saw the strength, now I see the struggles.

Looking up we see perfection, looking down we often see flaws. Looking down, I want to see potential. That's how God sees, and that's where I want to be. I want to be cheering people on, not looking down my nose at them. Maybe this is what I've been feeling inside, maybe I've been frustrated because I didn't know how to express my feelings.

I love working out how to incorporate God in my life more; it just makes things that much better. I'm not afraid, even of the hard lessons. Some people say they aren't afraid because God will take care of them. That's a point of view I think misses the big picture. I'm not afraid because my every sacrifice is gain for God.