A moment of brokenness

I am sorry God. I look around the fellowship, and I am so unworthy to be seated here. They are passionate, with hearts for others. I examine my own heart, and it is only for myself. I want to be a leader, so that I can be a leader. I am here for me. I am an empty and haunted shadow, I look for you to comfort me, but even that is only for me.

Now I sit, humbled and broken. My arrogance and pride at thinking I could be a model for such people - they should be my leaders! My teetering tower of cards has fallen, and in the aftermath I realise that it's because I thought I could do it alone. Loneliness fosters inwardness, and inwardness prevents love.

I hold the pieces of my broken heart, but even if You put it back together... I don't think I could take it. I feel like nothing can remove the taint of arrogance that led me to this cliff. I do not want to be restored, because I don't think I can ever be that tool now.

Make me a servant, and let me serve with all of my strength. Make me the lowest, so that I can give these people the honour they deserve. Take away my pride, my judgement, my arrogance, and my surety. Let me be sure only of your love, and let me serve without a word of doubt.

Swords, people!

Argh!! What is stopping people from reading your word God? I know I'm a little guilty of late too, but they don't even seem to be aware of it! How can people go through this world thinking they're Christians and only opening their Bibles on Sundays? It's crazy. I know electronics have fried our brains and reduced our attention spans to the length of advertising jingles, but still, it's shocking how many people just don't know their Bibles. I've made a decision to try for a chapter a night all the time now, but I wish they'd understand. I don't care whether they agree or disagree with me, they don't even know how to use their swords!

We're fighting a war here, if you don't have a sword you're a casualty waiting to happen. It's sad, but it's true. This is nothing super-spiritual, this is merely realising that the Bible is here for very good reasons. I think at least 70-80% of problems Christians have can be solved simply and directly by using their Bibles. It's a weapon, it works, realise it people! This is a really big lesson for all of us, mature Christians and new ones. Other books and teachings are good as well, but nothing should replace your time for reading the Bible.

Here's not it.

Sometimes I suspect that my dissatisfaction with reality is a gift planted deep within me by God. In the end, it's this drive that pushes me to new heights, and pushes me to achieve. I love God... but without a deep dissatisfaction with who I am and where I am now, I wouldn't have enough reason to push myself. So does that mean the discontent I'm feeling right now is because I'm not going far enough? It's an interesting thought. I have a flaw that pulls me away from others, makes me angry at the world, gives me a deep, sad compassion, and can depress me, but ultimately that flaw is a source of strength and causes me to thrive in hard times and under high workloads.

So here I stand, trying to follow God (an effort which is admittedly sub-par some days) and looking for answers to the deep disquiet in my soul. Even as I look around, I know that I won't find answers here. Here just isn't the end, and there's a lot of change I have to go through before things start to stabilise. The next few years will shape the rest of my life, not only in terms of my career but also who I am and what I am.

Right now, I've been given insight into my abilities, strengths, and limits. It's funny how hard times force us to confront ourselves realistically. I am stronger than I thought, stronger myself and stronger in my faith. I know where I stand, I don't quite know where my limits are but I know which direction I have to push in. It's exciting to be even slightly sure of myself, since I've lived in uncertainty for so long. Of course, I know I can't do it without God... but it's nice to know that I'm actually growing too, and it's nice to have an idea of what I can do.

The day I died

I want to die. Wait, maybe I did die. Sure feels like it. Tonight I was a leader, a real one. When I wake up it'll all be over, thankfully. Imagine living like this every day, stretching myself far beyond my own personality and ability. Imagine dying myself each day, just to get through. Imagine being that vulnerable, that I know I'm only doing it by grace. Imagine wearing that mantle, granted only by God's willing grace. I would be a new creation, and in my weakness God's strength would be made perfect. Perhaps this is what Paul was talking about. One thing's for sure, I'm going to need a lot more of God's strength to do it...

But what if...

What if I'm meant to be incomplete in this life? I will never achieve perfection, so it is reasonable to assume i will always struggle with doubts (it is human nature). But is there a way to embrace this weakness without burning out? I can try, but it seems at the moment every little thing saps my strength and resolve.

As superior as humanity and its passions make me, it's the fear of taking control that defeats me. I'm afraid of that accountability. How can someone prepared to suffer so much for the sake of personal growth be so afraid of punishment for accountability? Is this the fatal flaw sabotaging my life? Because I've never really faced that accountability before? If so, this could hurt. I wonder if it'll be at uni or in church... I wonder how bad it'll be... maybe I can find the faith before it is needed...

So what do I pray for exactly? Power comes to mind. I'd like it to be a natural thing, as natural as my freedom from the opinions of others (ok, so there are a couple of exceptions to this... but they're very special). Or maybe authority will take a different form entirely. I have a deep desire to see people freed from the chains they've made for themselves, and I'm sure God has incorporated that somehow into my future. It's a passion that is relit with every refinement of my life.

So many questions... how long must I seek an answer Lord?

incomplete

I am a holy warrior, clothed in the splendour of heaven, but I have no shield arm. My soul longs for God's presence, and yet my heart is torn between experiences of the now. I am caught in two realities I cannot reconcile, I don't know how to gie myself to both. I desire something good, but that desire is bad in itself.

Do I have the right to smile, if I stop and play a game? I know what I should do, but is this holiday so wrong? When do I call it neglect? Are my feelings really right? I want to rest in those same hands that created this world, just feel the safety around me. But how can I rest in safety and assurance with THAT staring me in the face? You know I'm weak, that my hopes are easily raised. I don't want to be crushed again, I want to follow you with all my heart. Please either give it or take the distraction away!

What am I missing? Why am I incomplete? I am a flawed creation searching desperately for completion! Give me strength, let me stand, and if I will not be healed please do something about the pain. I will do my best to give you my undivided heart...