Over my head

Sometimes life just goes too fast. I still can't stop... I want to move forwards. I can't sleep, I just want to spend time with God. I got a small glimpse of God again last night... and I feel totally unworthy. I'm so small, I fall so short of the King I serve. It's crazy. I hope I never lose this humbling vision of where I fit in the scheme of things. I know why I saw it; God's been talking to me about that too. I try very hard not to judge others... but I need to work on it harder. It's a subconscious thing now, and I have to find the cause and bring it before God to be eliminated. Who am I to judge where someone else is spiritually? That's between them and God.

Which brings me to a related point: spiritual gifts. They're great, we all know it. They're real, we all know it. What irritates me is people trying to "push" me into it. I'm on God's timeline, I listen to what God has to say. When I'm ready, when I can handle it, God will give me tools for building His kingdom. Right now though, I'm not feeling called to discover that. Yes, I want to walk closer with God... but I'm running this race to win, and so I'm running it the way God tells me. Yes, if I get a chance I will take it. Otherwise, I will respond when God tells me it's time.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm being reformed daily into God's image. Situations have arisen in the past week that required experience, authority and confidence that I did not have. I've found myself increasingly dealing capably and correctly with these situations. The words come from my love of God, rather than from my own understanding. My authority comes not from my own assertiveness, but from being secure in God. These are qualities that, even as I notice them, I realise I've always wanted. These are qualities that will equip me to lead capably.

Am I becoming a leader? I think God wants me to. I know the sacrifice leadership is, but I'm still inescapably drawn to it. I also know that to be a leader, I must be above reproach. I have a lot of personality flaws still to work out. One day, I hope to be ready for the full achievement that God has planned for me. In the meantime, it's exciting to be able to talk to God, and often to hear God talk back clearly.

standing still, moving forward

I've never been a big fan of the view that growing in God is an automatic process, but I've just realised recently how much I've been growing. All I've been doing is seeking God, asking for more of His heart and a bigger capacity and drive to do His work. I've been getting it, even though I haven't seen it. There are moments of clarity, where I briefly see how far I've come. Personally, I'm more focused on where I'm going, but it's very encouraging. I wish everyone had the same desire and drive for God that I do, and I sense it growing in some of my friends (I've been praying for them, although I admit not as much as I should) which is just beautiful to see and share.

God really challenged me tonight. I connected with a kid at youth, and prayed for him, but I felt God wanted to say something else to me too. I went out at the end of the night and had a bit of a pray about it. It's amazing how clearly you can hear God's voice sometimes. Yes, voice. There goes more preconceptions. Talking with God is really cool, but He must get annoyed about all my questions (why? why? really? why? ...). Apparently I'm a leader (where and when, I have no idea... but I'm not taking responsibility for my leadership right now). I'm going to be a mentor, and I'm called to youth work to heal. Pretty big words really. Why is it that the future's always scarey with God? I don't mean in a bad way... but in an uncertain, thrilling way/

It's the world, but not as we know it, Jim

There is something wrong with this place. Things are missing. I'm not living like I know I should. It's not because I'm sinful (although that is true) and it's not because the world is fallen. Read Acts, look at the early Church. Why are we not like that?

Ever heard of a rich person becoming a Christian, and selling all their wealth to give money to the poor? It happened! But why did they give their money away? Surely they could have done something more beneficial to the poor - create an industry for them to work in, train them... But wait! What if the rich men in the Bible didn't give away their riches simply to help the poor? What if material really meant nothing to them... and they saw giving it to the needy as the best way to dispose of it? What if the man's desire to know God was so great that the world simply didn't matter any more?

We've allowed our thinking to be skewed, and we've allowed the world into the Church. I can't stand it! I can't live like this! What options do I have? I don't *know* how to live. That practical example was the thing Paul stressed so much in the building of the early Church. We need to discover how to live, and not lose it! What am I meant to do instead of going to see the latest movies? What should I do instead of play violent video games? How should I react if I know I need to do something but don't want to?

The point of all this is now that I have God, why should I even be interested in movies? Why do games entertain me anymore? I have all I need, all I could possibly want, and yet the world still tries to pull me back. I need something to replace the world with, something God derived. This is so hard because barely anyone I know is as excited as I am about God. I have no one to share the joy with, no one to go out and celebrate God with. That's really what I desire; I just wish I could find that kind of friendship.