The Danger of Love

No one ever told me that caring was dangerous. No one told me that letting other peoples' decisions matter to me would break my heart. But it does, and I'm not talking about being in love. I'm a youth group leader, and it's a funny thing, but the more it matters to me whether the kids learn about God, the more crushed I feel at the end of the night.

I'm a soldier on the front line, and I'm under fire especially when I'm called up to fight. My heart breaks to see these kids who just cannot understand God's love and glory. I really want to cry at the end of the night. The crazy part of this is, that's probably a good thing. Right now, I can just feel God's presence washing over me. It's awesome, and I can't wait to see where it'll take me.

Whatever it takes

When life is stripped of illusion, and you are asked to justify your own values, you discover a lot about who you are and who you want to be. To me, a future is meaningless unless it has the mark of God's work on it. How do I decide between this job and that, then? These are not futures, not dreams, and not to be grasped.

The only way to realise this is to hit rock bottom, with no comforts and no distractions. It's painful, feeling all your dreams and ambitions swallowed by darkness. It saps life and will to live. It leaves you feeling depressed and physically sick. But if any of those were left alone, you would cling to them.

If you cling to what you have, you don't see the big picture. You don't see what more there is. You don't really understand why there are some things you will not do. Nor do you dare to dream large. I am hoping that now is the beginning of the end of this process of realization, because 'no matter what it takes' is a hard way of life.

I still feel sick and depressed, but at least I have hope now. I wonder... I wonder if I really do dare to dream like this?

Fragile strength

I often wonder how other people get through the day - life is just so overwhelming. So much to do, so much to concentrate on, so much effort to give. Other people must be superpeople already. I may appear strong, I may walk through each day smiling, but I'm not strong. I lean on God's strength daily, just to live. The reason I smile is because I have God.

Unlike the superpeople who thrive in this life, I feel fragile and easily overwhelmed. I don't put up some facade though, I walk in what I feel. What I feel is God's power, and the joy of completion that brings. Still, my strength is fragile; it depends entirely on grace. Without God, I couldn't be anything in this world. I died to myself long ago, there was nothing left worth living for in that world.

Now I have to walk forward, but I still wonder at the surety of some people. They seem to have a confidence in self that I don't think I could or would achieve. Let me stay fragile, my life a building held together only by the grace God gives me. Let it soar skyward so that those around me would see their own limitations for what they are, and be freed. Let my life, by virtue of mere contact, pull others higher. I walk in this strength not to be acknowledged or to just live, but because I want to set others free.

Why are you asking?

There was an altar call at church today, for people who wanted vision (for the future). I've been feeling particularly out of place of late, so I went up. I got nothing, and when I asked why, God said, "Why are you asking? You already know what to do, go do it!"

This is the truth, I know where I'm going right now. God has made the road abundantly clear and stuck big signposts in my face. That doesn't make it easier for me to accept. Right now, I'm just really hoping and trusting that God will complete the changes needed for me to actually walk this way. I may not be the biggest, best, greatest Christian with a huge heart for others... but I want to follow God with all my life, no matter the price.

Something that has been plaguing me recently is authority, where does it come from? Where does it go? Who determines it. Most people, especially in our society, will say you have to build authority by building respect in your followers. This just doesn't ring true for me - some people do this, and others are naturally respected. I would say that authority is only ever given from above. A prince cannot accede the throne if his parents do not recognise him... a pastor cannot lead if God does not will it. My own gifts, although given to develop and use, are ineffective outside the area God leads me. Fortunately, the bounds of my own gifts are becoming clearer as the time approaches to use them.

Strangely, this somehow does not satisfy. I am not happy with just the gifts I have been given, because although they are great they will eventually become my limits. Even as I climb this hill, I have my eyes fixed on the mountains ahead. Maybe one day I'll be the speaker on the stage, in front of a crowd of hundreds or thousands.

Even the rocks

Sometimes I wonder how people can be so blind. We live in a world so vibrant, sensatory, and beautiful, and they say it was random chance. This isn't just the fingerprint of the Creator, it's a testament of praise to His power and character! I look around, and I see an entire planet being beautiful and colourful FOR God. Maybe we're all just too busy these days to see it. Look at a tree, or a field of grass sometime. Just enjoy the colours and shapes and the way it moves, it really is worth it.

Limelight and mist

Ok, it's easy to say a close friend is influenced by your own thoughts when he talks to you about God's purpose... but when a total stranger walks up and gives you exactly what you *want* to hear... things get a bit psychedelic. God has been moving, and moving powerfully. My heart has been healed, and my worth has been restored; I am a leader and I have to walk like one. I just needed to remember why and for who I lead.

I went to a youth leaders' conference tonight because I knew somehow that God would reach me there. I love it how God never fails to deliver! I was told that I needed to accept the responsibility, and God was going to turn me into a leader above men, and that I would have to let go of what was stopping me and step into the limelight for this. Well, I won't say I find that an easy commission, but I find it an expected one. Given this, there is really no way to doubt God's will in my life.

To become a leader, however, requires strength. Lately I've really been struggling with dryness in my Christian walk, and it's led to a sense of aimlessness. AThe problem is I was seeking God a lot, in little pieces. The presence of God is like a fine mist - you can run throguh it and feel refreshed for a moment, but if you soak yourself in it you become drenched. This is the second, and more important, part of what I've been told.

My head is still spinning from worship, but I wanted to get these words somewhere concrete before doubt could erode my memory.