not enough

I'm burned out right now. I'm exhausted, hot, tired, and not looking forward to work tomorrow as much as I should. I've given my whole life to service, and left precious little for worship. I'm burning up without anywhere to recharge, and it's eating away at my productivity.

I want to worship, but I can't express myself the way I truly want to. My act of worship is creation; I am an artist, I create to express myself. I work in the world of the electron and the bit, my canvas is every computer screen in the world. I can create worlds inside those beige boxes that the great painters of history would envy for their depth and emotion. My art is dynamic; it moves and changes.

My art is also just as much work as that of a conventional artist, but my art taxes the mind too. After a solid week of service, I find I simply can't express myself the way I want to! I'm wishing for a balance, but I don't know where I'll find it. Uni will be over soon, so maybe I'll be in luck.

As for what I create -- many things. I want to give body to the glimpses I see of that other place. There's another place unattached to us in space and time, but this world is the poor reflection of that place. I want to let others see what I see, and I want to put it out there for the world to see the alternative to their selfishness.

So will I get to worship my way? I don't know. I cannot now, but I burn to give shape and colour to my visions. I want to create masterpieces that become a new standard for the graphics industry and for cinematography. If only I was given the capacity to do so on top of my busy weeks....

Tearing Apart

Why must I suppress my own dreams? Why do I have no time for the things I want to pursue? I live my life the only way I know how - in God. I go hard and live every minute of every day, yet still it's your will not mine. Will it ever be my turn? Will my secret dreams ever come to light?

I don't want my way, I seek your way with all my will. The reality is that I fall woefully short of where I want to be with you. My will can only go so far, and then it is crushed. Even my hope and faith have practical boundaries, and I grind closer to them every day. Will there ever be a day when the ambitions I've put on hold for your sake will come to fruition?

I deny myself every day, just to reach the plan you've laid out, and I still feel like it's slipping. I am no longer myself, I cannot live anymore unless you live through me. I gladly make the sacrifice, but because of it I'm crumbling. I can see the wall coming, and it's rushing towards me at high speed.

Help me make it through, help me live for you. Dont let me collapse here, so close to the beginning of it all. I long for someone to stand beside me in this world - a constant who shares my dreams. It may not be time yet, but the conflicting desires are tearing me apart. Please help me! Save me from my own despair! I have given my all, but let me give it all again and again!

This is how I desire to serve you: with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my body, all the time. It hurts to do anything less, and so it hurts most of the time. What do I have to do to reach this goal? My flesh desires companionship, rest, and encouragement, but my spirit burns to serve! Fix my life so that I can serve you more!

Bleeding Heart

I learned a very big secret this week: how I feel does not matter. I hit every day feeling despair, anchoring myself to God, and taking actions in faith. I can't make it through a single day without God, and I rejoice! I'm carried by a strength that I know is in control, even if my world is spinning on the edge of disaster. When I'm here, I know my achievements are past my own strength.

I suppose someone outside would call this strength; the truth is it's anything but strength. I am learning to surrender, and still I wouldn't call what I am doing even God's strength - this is God's power working to bring me through every day with stunning success.

I know I'm not good at surrendering, which is why I rejoice that I have no choice but to surrender. More than anything else, this has reified my hope in the future God has promised me. I can believe for the unrealistic and fantastical, because I am coming to a deep understanding of God's faithfulness and love.

I've been especially struck this week by God's love - not in a distant sense, or in a descriptive sense. I feel I've been physically immersed in God's overflowing love, real and immediate. It fills the hurts and holes in my life, and exclipses other joys to the point where even games and tv become tasteless.

I hope and pray that this will continue, because in God's love and God's power I know anything is possible - apart from it I am a nothing. My hope, my promise, my future is that this pauper will one day be a prince.

Inclusive

So many people, preparing for events, pray that they can "put aside", "forget", or "ignore" the worries of their day in order to server. We pray it, but is that even the right attitude? If we don't have faith to put our own worries in God, who are we to be attempting to serve others? Are we really so small that we can't live with our own lives and still serve? Should we ask to forget, when forgetting prevents learning?

I refuse to be such a short-sighted person who would ask for my own trials to be taken away in order to help others through theirs. Without weathering life myself, I cannot be a guide or comforter in good conscience. I would rather face the worries and issues my day has stacked up, and say, "Despite all this, I have faith in Your strength!"

How do we deal with our issues then? We can sort them through with God, praying and reading and listening. When we do, we often grasp a deeper understanding of our nature and God's character. We can also ask for strength and healing, and from this we can grow incredibly in strength and faith.

So it is 5.30 and I'm on the bus home exhausted from a long day of work. I know I'll be going straight to Youth to help set up, and I'm so tired I don't know if it'll happen. Do I ask God to take away the worries and stresses of the day? Instead, I ask for a spiritual and emotional healing, so that I can keep on giving. I choose to live my life through grace, rather than asking for the easy way out. Maybe if less people took that easy way out, the church would look very different...