Losing Myself

I feel like I'm losing myself again. I'm giving up everything that ever mattered, and I'm not even sure if it's enough. I would be losing my humanity - but the pain I feel is far too human. I would be losing my mind - but again, my feelings ring too true. Instead I am losing my identity, slowly but surely. Who will I be at the end of this?

I am forced to choose between people and things I love, and the course I've committed to. It's a choice that leaves me with tears. What kind of a future awaits someone who has estranged himself from nearly everything? I'm not doing this to feel somehow holy - I would not ask myself to do such things if that were the case. I'm doing this because something inside me knows it's right.

How can the right thing involve hurting people I love? What will it bring me? Someone, please, tell me that I've made teh right choice. Tell me that for every pain I feel now, there will be a redemption. Tell me my choices are worth it. Tell me that and no more!

I have no desire to see the future - I've seen too much of it. I only want to hear His voice. I live to hang on His words. Yet it seems like He talks to everyone but me. Why? How do I come closer? What is it that I'm lacking?

I'm a small boat lost at sea - tossed around by monstrous waves and hemmed in by a brooding, cloudy barrier. The stars barely shine through it - their weak light barely encouragement to keep on. Lift me from the waves! I didn't come all this way to merely learn, to feel self-righteous, to feel important, or to satisfy my conscience. I chose a road few have the nerve to because I want something extraordinary from You. I want to see Your face. Don't leave me here in the darkness, please...