But what if...

What if I'm meant to be incomplete in this life? I will never achieve perfection, so it is reasonable to assume i will always struggle with doubts (it is human nature). But is there a way to embrace this weakness without burning out? I can try, but it seems at the moment every little thing saps my strength and resolve.

As superior as humanity and its passions make me, it's the fear of taking control that defeats me. I'm afraid of that accountability. How can someone prepared to suffer so much for the sake of personal growth be so afraid of punishment for accountability? Is this the fatal flaw sabotaging my life? Because I've never really faced that accountability before? If so, this could hurt. I wonder if it'll be at uni or in church... I wonder how bad it'll be... maybe I can find the faith before it is needed...

So what do I pray for exactly? Power comes to mind. I'd like it to be a natural thing, as natural as my freedom from the opinions of others (ok, so there are a couple of exceptions to this... but they're very special). Or maybe authority will take a different form entirely. I have a deep desire to see people freed from the chains they've made for themselves, and I'm sure God has incorporated that somehow into my future. It's a passion that is relit with every refinement of my life.

So many questions... how long must I seek an answer Lord?