Here's not it.

Sometimes I suspect that my dissatisfaction with reality is a gift planted deep within me by God. In the end, it's this drive that pushes me to new heights, and pushes me to achieve. I love God... but without a deep dissatisfaction with who I am and where I am now, I wouldn't have enough reason to push myself. So does that mean the discontent I'm feeling right now is because I'm not going far enough? It's an interesting thought. I have a flaw that pulls me away from others, makes me angry at the world, gives me a deep, sad compassion, and can depress me, but ultimately that flaw is a source of strength and causes me to thrive in hard times and under high workloads.

So here I stand, trying to follow God (an effort which is admittedly sub-par some days) and looking for answers to the deep disquiet in my soul. Even as I look around, I know that I won't find answers here. Here just isn't the end, and there's a lot of change I have to go through before things start to stabilise. The next few years will shape the rest of my life, not only in terms of my career but also who I am and what I am.

Right now, I've been given insight into my abilities, strengths, and limits. It's funny how hard times force us to confront ourselves realistically. I am stronger than I thought, stronger myself and stronger in my faith. I know where I stand, I don't quite know where my limits are but I know which direction I have to push in. It's exciting to be even slightly sure of myself, since I've lived in uncertainty for so long. Of course, I know I can't do it without God... but it's nice to know that I'm actually growing too, and it's nice to have an idea of what I can do.