Soul Hurt
Why is it happening again? It happens almost every week! What is so different between us? A year ago we were the same; we started the same race together. We both received the promise, and we're both running the race. Why is she standing on the prize? What went wrong? I am stuck at the back; unseen, unheard. I do my job with excellence, but there is no fulfillment. I am not challenged, I do not grow, there is no room to move forward.
What do you want of me? We were both given that promise, so why am I the one left behind? I labour every week, I fight hordes and feel the arrows of darkness fly thick around me. My spirit is scarred from a thousand battles - I bear the marks of a true warrior and servant. Still I fight, alone and isolated, throwing all I have just to move forwards. I fall and am crushed, left to pick myself up alone. It has always been the way - there is no room for others, they cannot be depended on. They leave in my times of need, they are absent from those times I fall dead from the sky as a thousand black arrows pierce me.
You are the constant, you are my healer, you are my armour and sword. I am told that you are enough, and in the same breath that I need others. What do I believe? Where does a knight whose battles are fought in secret find his welcome? I stand here with nothing. Everything I had has been lost for you. Everything I am has been consumed by you. I cry out and starve myself of all else, and still you remain silent whil the enemy rips me to pieces. Where is my justice? Where is my deliverer? If I could do more, I would have done it, but I stand at the edge of human endurance daily simply to see you glorified.
And now you seed in me visions for things which eclipse my own ability! How can I run with a torch I cannot even carry? What do you want from me? If I can't even be up there, why are you asking me to do this? Will this be another thankless job? Will this be another weekly grind knowing that it will never be recognised? I don't ask for praise - even thanks is too much. All I need is encouragement a little - to know I walk the path straight and true. But even that is robbed of me, and I walk alone once again to face the impossible onslaught.
What I would give for victory. What I would give to see Christ praised in the streets. What I would give to see all humanity wake up to our divine calling and soar toward a world we could only imagine. Give me the power to do this, or kill me now. I cannot live in the horror of seeing my life purpose stay unfulfilled. The pain is too much - I am ripped open every week as I see myself falling short of your promise. Don't let me stay in this place of unending torment!
What do you want of me? We were both given that promise, so why am I the one left behind? I labour every week, I fight hordes and feel the arrows of darkness fly thick around me. My spirit is scarred from a thousand battles - I bear the marks of a true warrior and servant. Still I fight, alone and isolated, throwing all I have just to move forwards. I fall and am crushed, left to pick myself up alone. It has always been the way - there is no room for others, they cannot be depended on. They leave in my times of need, they are absent from those times I fall dead from the sky as a thousand black arrows pierce me.
You are the constant, you are my healer, you are my armour and sword. I am told that you are enough, and in the same breath that I need others. What do I believe? Where does a knight whose battles are fought in secret find his welcome? I stand here with nothing. Everything I had has been lost for you. Everything I am has been consumed by you. I cry out and starve myself of all else, and still you remain silent whil the enemy rips me to pieces. Where is my justice? Where is my deliverer? If I could do more, I would have done it, but I stand at the edge of human endurance daily simply to see you glorified.
And now you seed in me visions for things which eclipse my own ability! How can I run with a torch I cannot even carry? What do you want from me? If I can't even be up there, why are you asking me to do this? Will this be another thankless job? Will this be another weekly grind knowing that it will never be recognised? I don't ask for praise - even thanks is too much. All I need is encouragement a little - to know I walk the path straight and true. But even that is robbed of me, and I walk alone once again to face the impossible onslaught.
What I would give for victory. What I would give to see Christ praised in the streets. What I would give to see all humanity wake up to our divine calling and soar toward a world we could only imagine. Give me the power to do this, or kill me now. I cannot live in the horror of seeing my life purpose stay unfulfilled. The pain is too much - I am ripped open every week as I see myself falling short of your promise. Don't let me stay in this place of unending torment!
posted by Merlz at 3:19 AM
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