Just Wanna Cry

I get like this every so often - I think almost weekly but I don't keep count. Sometimes I think it's because I hit the end, run out of energy, need to lie down and recuperate. That's a small part of it, but tiredness doesn't normally do this to me. My faith is there, I'm comfortable in the future set out before me... but I feel like it will never arrive. I feel that I am working so hard, for so long, but nothing has actually changed. I know this is a lie.

Many people talk about carrying their cross to follow Jesus, but I realised something new tonight: what is it to carry your cross, without the sacrifice of those nails? Alone, the cross is just a weight to carry, and it becomes laborious. When we choose to sacrifice, when we choose the path that may be painful for God's sake, then God is glorified and great things happen. It is for this that I hope and pray.

Honestly I wish there was any other way right now - I am sick and tired of crushing my own desires in order to walk with God. I'm sick and tired of working flat out every day, spending myself, with no change in my position. I do not want to see ministries with the power to change the world in the hands of men who do not dare dream. It tears at something deep inside of me to see a ministry I participate in become less that it should be, and yet I am powerless.

I'm fed up with shooting for goals way beyond my ability. I'm disappointed in myself for being less than who I want to be, even though I do not know who that is. I'm upset because I see someone beautiful, so fiery for God, and I know that though I'm gaining ground, my own Christian walk is far behind.

What can I do if I'm so far behind? I refuse to settle for second best, I refuse to lower my expectations for my own future, but in doing so I drive those nails of sacrifice deeper. Why can't the hard way be easy just once? Why can't I have one vanity in an upside down world where nothing's solid? This has been my one request for years; how long must I seek your face before this request is granted Lord?

Give me the strength to go on, because right now I just want to collapse and cry. I can't fulfill my dreams alone, I am not an island. I can barely face the awesome onslaught of your presence, let alone the attack that follows. I chase but the harder I run, the weaker I become. Give me strength to go on, give me trust in your love, let me see your face and find the wish of my heart.

Then I will be complete, a man able to move the world in Your power.