Tearing Apart

Why must I suppress my own dreams? Why do I have no time for the things I want to pursue? I live my life the only way I know how - in God. I go hard and live every minute of every day, yet still it's your will not mine. Will it ever be my turn? Will my secret dreams ever come to light?

I don't want my way, I seek your way with all my will. The reality is that I fall woefully short of where I want to be with you. My will can only go so far, and then it is crushed. Even my hope and faith have practical boundaries, and I grind closer to them every day. Will there ever be a day when the ambitions I've put on hold for your sake will come to fruition?

I deny myself every day, just to reach the plan you've laid out, and I still feel like it's slipping. I am no longer myself, I cannot live anymore unless you live through me. I gladly make the sacrifice, but because of it I'm crumbling. I can see the wall coming, and it's rushing towards me at high speed.

Help me make it through, help me live for you. Dont let me collapse here, so close to the beginning of it all. I long for someone to stand beside me in this world - a constant who shares my dreams. It may not be time yet, but the conflicting desires are tearing me apart. Please help me! Save me from my own despair! I have given my all, but let me give it all again and again!

This is how I desire to serve you: with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my body, all the time. It hurts to do anything less, and so it hurts most of the time. What do I have to do to reach this goal? My flesh desires companionship, rest, and encouragement, but my spirit burns to serve! Fix my life so that I can serve you more!