Bleeding Heart

I learned a very big secret this week: how I feel does not matter. I hit every day feeling despair, anchoring myself to God, and taking actions in faith. I can't make it through a single day without God, and I rejoice! I'm carried by a strength that I know is in control, even if my world is spinning on the edge of disaster. When I'm here, I know my achievements are past my own strength.

I suppose someone outside would call this strength; the truth is it's anything but strength. I am learning to surrender, and still I wouldn't call what I am doing even God's strength - this is God's power working to bring me through every day with stunning success.

I know I'm not good at surrendering, which is why I rejoice that I have no choice but to surrender. More than anything else, this has reified my hope in the future God has promised me. I can believe for the unrealistic and fantastical, because I am coming to a deep understanding of God's faithfulness and love.

I've been especially struck this week by God's love - not in a distant sense, or in a descriptive sense. I feel I've been physically immersed in God's overflowing love, real and immediate. It fills the hurts and holes in my life, and exclipses other joys to the point where even games and tv become tasteless.

I hope and pray that this will continue, because in God's love and God's power I know anything is possible - apart from it I am a nothing. My hope, my promise, my future is that this pauper will one day be a prince.