Whatever it takes

When life is stripped of illusion, and you are asked to justify your own values, you discover a lot about who you are and who you want to be. To me, a future is meaningless unless it has the mark of God's work on it. How do I decide between this job and that, then? These are not futures, not dreams, and not to be grasped.

The only way to realise this is to hit rock bottom, with no comforts and no distractions. It's painful, feeling all your dreams and ambitions swallowed by darkness. It saps life and will to live. It leaves you feeling depressed and physically sick. But if any of those were left alone, you would cling to them.

If you cling to what you have, you don't see the big picture. You don't see what more there is. You don't really understand why there are some things you will not do. Nor do you dare to dream large. I am hoping that now is the beginning of the end of this process of realization, because 'no matter what it takes' is a hard way of life.

I still feel sick and depressed, but at least I have hope now. I wonder... I wonder if I really do dare to dream like this?