What's in January?

This is killing me. I want to scream and cry and hurt myself. Why am I waiting for January? What is it in January that I've been promised? Why am I suffering like this? What rainbow lies at the end of this storm?

I don't even want to guess. If I guess, I put up expectations. What if I expect too much? What if I pin my hopes on something entirely different? Still, I hope it breaks this prison of loneliness. I sit here daily, trapped and alone. God is my comfort, but comfort does not stop the pain.

I don't know what I've been promised, but it's strange how binding a promise is. All I want, deep down, is the ability to fly again. I want to be more complete, and more able to follow God daily. I will endure this pain then, until I am freed.

The strange thing about emotional pain is that you cannot build a barrier and cut yourself off from it. You can with physical pain, quite easily. Emotional pain always hurts just as bad. The only way to handle it is to grin and bear it. I can't win, I can only retreat to God and pray for the strength to bear it all.

Just until January... that's all He wants...