Spaces

It's become apparent to me recently that introverted people operate on a "spaces" mentality. I remember reading a thesis on this once, but it lacked an application of the principles it discussed. I'll attempt to share what I've learned about myself, and hopefully it will help others who are frustrated at always being in the corner.

We all operate best in a certain space we feel familiar with. We're comfortable with it and we prefer it. For melancholics, like me, spaces are actually physical places and combinations of groups of people. A different mix of even the people I know, becomes a dynamic I'm unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable with. I get used to physical locations, I become familiar with them. I become familiar with the way certain people interact and act in each other's presence. If any of this changes, it introduces an unknown that can unbalance me or sap my confidence.

The key for me, then is to take spaces. I need to step out and put my foot in it, otherwise it will never be a space I'm comfortable with. I might have to force myself to visit somewhere new, or force myself to be loud even though I'm not normally. I have to become comfortable with expressing who I am in a group, and I have to become comfortable with navigating and being in control in an environment.

I'm a creature of habit by nature, so I must form habit as early and as wide as possible. Then later, I have to make sure I break habit in order to try new things. The key is doing so adventurously. I don't have to be someone I'm not, but I will end up frustrated and lonely if I don't keep creating places in a world that is so chaotic and full of change.

So now I aim to step out of my comfort zone deliberately. I step out at specific places that I want to establish a familiarity with. I don't have to push myself to be outgoing and adventurous all the time - that's for the outgoing people. Once I establish a familiarity, I will look and feel much more confident and adventurous in that area.

As a shy person, I think that's one of the most wonderful things to learn.... because it can be frustrating to sit in a corner.

Absolutely Nothing Left

Why is there so much comfort in having nothing? Why do I feel more free, more alive, and more powerful when I am nothing? It is a strange feeling that sometimes makes me scared that the things I add to my life will rob me of life. He knows the power of it, too. He designed nothing as a starting point for everything. Literally. So many people in this world are afraid to lose everything, and they miss the freedom of needing nothing.

When I am no more, then He is in me. I want to stay this way. Undivided, not watered down, not held back or locked up. Remember it, remember it well my soul.

Let go of every dream and hobby and safety and desire and embrace the world with an open heart. That's what it means to lay down your life. That's what it means to follow Him.

Fading Tastes

There's an odd sensation that accompanies the power of the presence of God. Stay there long enough and your appetites will fade. The wonder of Him is so completely overwhelming, that everything else fades in comparison. Food, activities, everything. God is addictive. We get our fix every week in church, daily in prayer, when we read our Bibles. His presence falls - that's the goal - to hang out with Him.

But what happens when we step beyond that? What happens if His presence isn't the goal anymore. What if I want His physical manifestation? What if I want to talk face to face? What if I want to see Heaven? I want more than just an ordinary life - and His power in my life can either grow or shrink; staying the same is a deception to let you shrink quietly.

I want more in my life! I don't want to be a could-have-been. I don't really know what I want to be. Have I been sent to convict the world, or set it free? Can I do one without the other? I'm starting to think I can't. Why do I see what I see and hold what I hold? Why have all my messages that burn to get out been preached already? Can I make a difference by saying them myself?

I want to plug into the source of power and learn to let it flow through me into others. I want to be the wall-breaker in lives desperate for change. I want to be a catalyst, to set something off within people. But I don't even know who I am. I'm struggling against my other natures. I'm struggling for boldness every day.

I get this terrible feeling that once I step out, there's no going back. If I went back, I'd crumble completely. I don't know that I'm strong enough. Show me the way! I don't want to be scared and afraid to step out. I don't want my mind to cause me to hesitate. I don't want to overthink everything. But I do. How can I stop? How can I turn into the man I need to be? I need to start looking for the answers today!

Tomorrow is too late to start changing.

Why Holiness

it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." - 1 Peter 1:16

Holiness is a syncronisation of our natural lives with God's plan for living. It is a practice that brings us closer to God's original plan for how we were meant to live. It connects us to Him and allows love to flow, because practicing holiness will tend to clean away impure motives and darker emotions. Colossians 3 provides a good description of what to do to be holy.

The "what" of holiness is not the goal, and we must remember this. If we concentrate on the actions, we become a form of Godliness but powerless. We rob the very concept of holiness of its power, because we move away from the heart - which is the key to this.

1 Peter begins to tell us why. As Christians, we have to be broken people. We have to be humbled and constantly living in a realistic view of ourselves: we are slaves whose freedom is owed ENTIRELY to Christ, through no work of our own. We live and work on this earth as agents of our God, who is merciful to us, but is also a just judge of men's actions (v13). Through the Holy Spirit we have access to a communion with God that even the angels wish they had (v12). I am a nothing who has been given the highest honor of any being in this universe - a personal and intimate relationship with God. A knowledge of things unseen and unheard.

Out of this comes holiness. We have to respond to a real view of ourselves with a passion for Him. We have to be passionate for His heart and desiring a closer relationship with Him. If we aren't building that relationship, then we're wasting His gift to us - to get to know the one who created the Universe and has all things planned. Do you want to waste His gift? Holy life is birthed out of fear and reverence for His power and gifts, and passion and desire for His mercy and love.

After this, we discover the reason for holiness on this earth (v22). We are called to be holy, because out of holiness comes a purified heart that is ready to love. Our capacity for Godly love will depend directly on our lifestyle. If we choose a lifestyle of holiness, then we will produce a heart that loves. Love is the ultimate goal and result, that ties everything together into one thing that the rest of the world desperately wants and needs.

If we want to love, we must work to purify ourselves of ungodly things, because they will taint our lives and draw us away from a godly heart. This is what we seek, because we know His great love, and we want to share it.

Empty Vessels

I saw a vision of people walking round. Christians - going about their daily business. Jars of clay on little legs, walking around. They were all empty!

I cried out as tears filled my eyes, "I don't wanna be an empty vessel!" I cried it over and over again... I reached towards Heaven desperately pulling at the power I knew could change things.

And then the Lord came to me and said, "Neither do I want you to. That is why in the next week I am going to make you a new man."

Now I know, desperately, that life cannot be about just this physical stuff. I must clear a spot in the jungle of my life for Him. I know it... I feel it.... I'm desperate for you to move God! Desperate! I cannot live with anything less!

Falling Apart

The falling apart man looked around his falling apart world, and kept building things out of bricks that fell off one another. He wanted escape. He wanted peace. He wanted just one thing that wouldn't fall apart.

The falling apart man looked around at the other falling apart people, and cried because he knew they fell apart from the things left unsaid. He knew he wanted more. He knew there was a price. But now he wondered, why did I say I would pay that price?

He's had enough of the falling apart things, and he's too far gone to put himself back together. All that remains is a tiny little spark of life at the core. The falling apart man just wanted a little happiness. Instead, he found himself alone with his creator again.

The man knew it was his fault - it always was. It's hard for it not to be your fault when you're falling apart. Now he waits patiently to be put back together. But it's not easy waiting, when your heart lies in pieces on the floor.

Heartrend

Every time I sit next to you, every time I walk with you, there's a feeling that burns inside. An electricity that won't stop. Every time a tear appears on your cheek, I want to hold you tight. Every time you close your eyes and look so peaceful, I want to hold your hand to let you know I'm there.

But I can't, and my heart breaks every time. Just a little longer. Just a little further. Maybe. I hope. I hope nothing goes wrong. In the darkness of the night I cry out silently to the walls that hold me in,

"WHY?"

The still, soft response is,

"Now you know how I feel for every person who tries to do this alone."

And it broke my heart all over again.

Fasting

I blinked and stirred out of my sleepless night. It was 5 in the morning and I was still curled up, feeling sick in the stomach and almost wretching. I buried my head in the pillow and cried out to God. I already knew I wouldn't eat today. I had to have answers, and only He knew them.

Fasting isn't about suffering, or even sacrifice particularly. It's about choosing, willfully, to put seeking God above absolutely everything in your life for a time. It's about connecting to God in spite of every discomfort and desire to do other things. It's not about self-harm, or self-denial on an extended basis. I'm quite sure that even 3 hours of true fasting can bring extraordinary results.

I started praying, that morning for a report of rain. I wanted a messenger to bring the good news to my parched soul. The sky was blue and the day was already hot by 9. I prayed and prayed for a report of rain. The heat made me feel even sicker. It was almost unnatural for that time of the morning. My mouth was constantly dry, no matter how much I drank.

At midday, clouds appeared. Rain fell. The coolness was a relief to my body, I smiled.

From that point, something changed. My head cleared, even though it still had a dull ache. I could pray clearly, not the prayers of the desperate but those of a man talking to God. In that place of solitude, there was sanctuary. The silence became loud, and the small voice of God became a mighty crowd roaring.

The enemy is not allowed in when we enter a holy place. His shouts faded to a whisper. I knew they were there, but they were completely powerless and too weak to pay attention to. God's voice drowned it all out with a clarity and precision. It was a soothing drink for my soul. It was a physical relief for my body too.

At 5, He told me, "Rise and eat." - He will not have his servants weakened or in pain without need. Being the fool that I am, I said no. I said I would rather have faith. I don't even know why that came into my mind. He smiled, and said, "Very well, do not rise and you will receive faith." I do not know much of what faith is, or how you receive it, or where it goes when you get it. I just know I was being filled. Then tested. I don't know what kind of faith it was, but I certainly don't feel any different.

Then I rose and ate. I think I will have to do this again; I rather enjoy His company.