Breaking Pain

Why must I live in a land of constant pain? I was praying this morning, and He said, "You are not doing what you are supposed to be doing." A stream of images and feelings washed across me. I'm living life my way, not His way. Everyone else sees me living life His way, because they don't know what He wants.

I am a miracle man - it is by a miracle that I live fully. If not for the miracle, I would have been emotionally crippled for life. I would never have known inner joy, inner pride, a confidence in myself - well, not myself but the one who lives in me, or a satisfaction with my life. I would never have worked this hard - working this hard requires the knowledge that you owe your life to the one you work for.

So now that I know the pain, and I know that the miracle brings life and that life is fulfilled in God, I know equally well that I have become the miracle. In God, I am the miracle for peoples' lives. I am the one who brings healing, the one who brings abundant life. Through that first miracle, He has charged me to be His herald of miracles.

I can do it because I know it. I can do it because the fire that runs through my body aches to set people free. I can do it because doubt is so small. This is why I was called, and this is why I am here.

If people think that I am in His will right now, they are so very wrong. I am struggling to keep up. I need a whole new level of personal confidence and skills. I need a whole new level of filling with God. I keep saying this, but I don't know what it means. Do I just go out there and do it? Last time, that hurt so terribly...

I know what I am supposed to be doing, and I don't want to be too scared! I just don't know how to overcome the fears in me, and I don't know how to live on that edge. Sometimes, I wish there was a life bootcamp where they prepared you for every possibility...