Rocking on

Well, I got 25% in my maths test today. I studied for about 3 hours for it yesterday, and when I finished the test I was sure I'd get 100%. Then they put up the answers. This whole week has been disappointing uni-wise. I handed in an assignment that I couldn't even bring myself to finish debugging on monday. I felt so dead and disappointed. All I can remember about tuesday is lying around feeling tired. Uni's really gonna be a struggle to keep going with, and I'm gonna need God in a big way. Now I understand why so many people drop out. But I can't. Giving up would not only disappoint God, it would destroy everything about my identity. I base my self image and actions on trying my hardest and never giving up. God wants no less of me, so I have to make it a core part of myself.

But that's depressing stuff best left for another day. I'm not overly upset about it, because God's been blessing me in other ways. For one, I got to go out with tash and trin to the opening for the no limits conference tonight. Tash's mum was there. She's great, one of those mums you instantly like and feel comfortable around - the kind who's a little crazy and treats everyone like one of the extended family. One thing bothers me though: she keeps grinning at me conspiratorially. It's not that it scares me, I just have no idea how to interpret it.

The talk itself was important too... got me thinking about a few things. I don't know where my life is going, I'm just following God pretty blindly. At the moment, I'm doing an awful lot of things on a whim. And they're things that God wants me to do. But I have no vision, no idea where my life is headed. Well, things are starting to move in patterns. Even the greatest vision has to start with a little faith. I really want to start walking in faith, to show God that I'm willing and ready. I want to walk the most fulfilling path, even if it's the hardest.

The past week has been hard, there've been a lot of challenges, but it's somehow different to before. I come home tired, but full of energy. I struggle with things and get depressed, but I'm content at the same time. Things are strange. The weekend was one of profound growth for me. God's been tipping my world view upside down and shaking it, and things are sorting themselves out. It's times like this that it's great to be me. I'm not depressed any more, being single causes me no pain, and feelings towards relationships aren't a problem. I don't need to carry my pain around any more, and I know I belong here, in a unique and irreplaceable slot. Wow, is that the time? I should probably be getting to bed soon...