The account of the Lamb Shank
I had lamb roast for dinner. It was nice, for someone accustomed to cheap sausages and even cheaper schnitzels. Very nice. I am deeply satisfied. In other news I felt inexplicably tired today and my assignment has remained largely undone. This shall be rectified tomorrow (hopefully... probably... maybe...). Also, I declare tomorrow the day of the roast lamb sandwich!
Actually, today has given me more than its fair share of struggle, considering I didn't go anywhere but church and haven't done much but sit in my room for the rest of the day. I've been thinking about a lot of things. Mainly about being single and not being single and how I wish I could just turn my hormones off sometimes. Until recently I was fairly sure God wanted me to stay single. I was hardly crazy about the idea, but I was content and all in all it wasn't too bad. Then I met some great people. My resolve has just eroded away. It's bad not because I don't like the idea of being in a relationship, but because I know I don't have the time or maturity for that kinda thing and it goes against the message I thought I was getting.
A lot of little questions are unanswered, and as much as I pray I'm pretty sure they'll remain unanswered at the moment. Is being single better? Could I just be friends? How do I stop my emotions going too far? Is this what God wants? Am I putting myself first too much here? If it turns ugly, would that ruin things at church and make it weird? If I hold back because I'm afraid to get involved, will that deprive me of something important again? If I don't hold back is it even possible for me not to get involved? I have no answers... and I doubt God will answer many of those questions except in hindsight. Why wouldn't he answer them? Because the answers to most of those questions contain a key to the future I'm uncertain about... and me going into the future holding that key would probably make me rely less on God and more on myself.
And so I'm left at an impasse. Do I go ahead and plunge face first off the cliff, or will that just ruin everything? Hmmmm... put like that, and thinking about what God would probably push me to do, I'm scared. Cliffs are dangerous. I should know, I've plummeted from my fair share. If you won't answer anything else God, please answer this: is this what you want?
Actually, today has given me more than its fair share of struggle, considering I didn't go anywhere but church and haven't done much but sit in my room for the rest of the day. I've been thinking about a lot of things. Mainly about being single and not being single and how I wish I could just turn my hormones off sometimes. Until recently I was fairly sure God wanted me to stay single. I was hardly crazy about the idea, but I was content and all in all it wasn't too bad. Then I met some great people. My resolve has just eroded away. It's bad not because I don't like the idea of being in a relationship, but because I know I don't have the time or maturity for that kinda thing and it goes against the message I thought I was getting.
A lot of little questions are unanswered, and as much as I pray I'm pretty sure they'll remain unanswered at the moment. Is being single better? Could I just be friends? How do I stop my emotions going too far? Is this what God wants? Am I putting myself first too much here? If it turns ugly, would that ruin things at church and make it weird? If I hold back because I'm afraid to get involved, will that deprive me of something important again? If I don't hold back is it even possible for me not to get involved? I have no answers... and I doubt God will answer many of those questions except in hindsight. Why wouldn't he answer them? Because the answers to most of those questions contain a key to the future I'm uncertain about... and me going into the future holding that key would probably make me rely less on God and more on myself.
And so I'm left at an impasse. Do I go ahead and plunge face first off the cliff, or will that just ruin everything? Hmmmm... put like that, and thinking about what God would probably push me to do, I'm scared. Cliffs are dangerous. I should know, I've plummeted from my fair share. If you won't answer anything else God, please answer this: is this what you want?
posted by Merlz at 3:57 AM
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